LIKE - LOVE - COMMITMENT

Sometimes conversations confuse, sometimes they just help unwind, sometimes a clearer perspective emerges, and sometimes you just want to scream and tear your hair.

Holding the phone and discussing a tangled heart is so difficult when the right thing to do is just run over and give a warm embrace. Absolutely no need to have words to say something right? But long distance friendships sometimes need mid night chats, long hours of texting, the ability to comprehend in chaos and sometimes just the ability to shut up and listen.

Discussing matters of the heart, soothing the pain can be quite difficult when you are actually not the one suffering and honestly even the words “I Understand” are completely meaningless. Luckily for me and my friend we thrash it out like it is our mess.

Knowing him and his bubbly heart for ages and seen him struggle through highs and lows has been equally painful to me. But this time the conversation was different. We figured why he would get into relationships that seemed perfect and then somewhere lose the steam and not know where its headed.

We cracked down the code finally to figure the difference between like, love and the big word “commitment”.

Everybody has something likable. A pretty smile, fantastic sense of humour, fashion sense, their scent, the list is endless. And men have a whole other list. This is probably the start to being just an acquaintance, a friend, something more or just end at a onetime conversation.

But what takes it to the level of wanting to spend more time, have more chats, getting to the not so obvious side of the person.  Do we, with our raging hormones allow this to even happen or do we just jump into a conclusion that we are in love.

For those who decide they are in love too early, the real picture can be pretty heart breaking. We begin to see beyond the nice conversations and the fantastic person we first met and it may not be as appealing. Now what? Do we breakup and move on? Do we hold on and stay committed?

What is being committed? Mentally and emotionally loving someone or something I guess. But can it be forced? No. So being in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy or doesn't help you grow cannot qualify as a commitment, it is dead weight.

Tricky words right. Let’s try simple - I could like an occasional muffin, love indulging in everything sweet, or be committed to my passion for baking. Or better, I could like socializing, love my best friend and be committed to my dog as a companion over anything or anybody else because that’s what makes me happy.

The benchmarks could be different for each one.  Have learnt through emotional drama over the years that the trick is to just savour relationships as they transition and when you feel like holding on to something or someone against all odds you are already committed. Let your heart take over and you will know. 

Making Way For The New

A few more hours for this year to go by and countdown to begin to usher in 2015.

Am sure the year must have been different for different people. Successes and failures, losing a loved one to death or destiny or finding someone new, feeling love, rejection, joy, contentment, greed,  pride, ego and many other human emotions. Trying something new, experiencing something magical.The year that is drifting away may have taken away the old and made room for new or is yet to fill the void.

Talking for myself, this year has changed me to be more adventurous, more open to take risks, more sure that an attempt is imperative to know if you can do something or do it better. It has made me realise that it is okay to be weak but essential to bounce back. A few painful tears sure do make simple joys happier.

The importance of living now and living it fully. The gift of having those few friends who live in your heart instead of just holding hands. Knowing that seeing your child grow to a beautiful person is priceless. And being around for those that need you making you feel blessed. And the biggest lesson learnt is that only by being happy can you share happiness. Hence making ME a very important part of my life.

I am so looking forward to 2015. I foresee challenges, successes, leanings and big simple joys. But I am also looking forward to evolving, to moulding myself with time. I am looking forward to a new and improved ME.

Happy New Year Everybody J

Recruitment Rocks

My first day as a recruiter. Following was my first mandate:

Hiring for a Ship Building Company in Mumbai. Specifications: BE Mechanical with experience in maintenance of vessels. Willingness to travel or relocate.

Now let me describe me : Ship Building = Greek. Lost, confused. The feeling was more like me in the middle of the ocean. Get me a ship to get out of here… eeks ships again.

Simultaneously working on : Retail Sales for a Leading Shoe Brand.  Good Communication, Pleasant personality and willing to join immediately (this reminds you of the standard matrimonial ads: Bride wanted, tall, fair, homely and employed. Phew…. All is Well! All is Well! Pacifying my heart that I will sail through this. Sail??? OMG not again.

Then come the  Power Puff Girls to my rescue. My mentors Amina Azad and Meenakshi  Sharma. Cracking down the code and spelling it as “Recruitment for Dummies” But sure enough every step was a learning, and eye opener to the dna of every industry .  Understanding functions, organisational structures, mapping and the devious head hunting strategies.

Well what makes this job fun is that that there is never a dull moment.  Each day is action packed with highs and lows. Each day brings a new experience. Every meeting with a client or candidate brings you closer to understanding the complex human nature.  Every interaction is a step forward to the being a better recruiter.  The catch being that the learning never ends. The constantly evolving business environment, the changing hiring patterns, newer avenues for talent acquisition, all of this and more makes Nirvana impossible.

But who cares. Recruitment is better than Marijuana . The kick is addictive and I so want to stay high.

Groom for Sale...

A lot can happen over coffee they say and yes this conversation was quite an eye opener. A casual chat with two people, same sex, similar age and well educated so to speak and strangely similar thoughts on Dowry.

One was pretty vocal about how dowry is essential, somewhat a gatepass to a well – to – do family. She even said that if she opts to marry a groom of her choice, she still wants the money saved for dowry for herself. Apparently, the very fact that her parents have been saving for her dowry since her birth makes that accumulated wealth hers.

The second seemed pretty shocked at the blatant opinion on dowry the first girl had. She seemed more inclined to think of her parent’s welfare. Having raised her, she thought it unfair that they would have to bear the expenses of marriage plus the additional weight of dowry. She said that it was their money and they had every right to spend it on themselves. Unfortunately she ended that warm thought with “kya kare, shaadi ke time pe yeh sab karna padta hai”,

A little digging deeper gave me a realisation that dowry has evolved from being wrapped up in the garb of “gifts of love” given to a parting daughter to an MOU for marriage. Demands ranging from cash, gold, silver to property, cars and even investments. Demands not only come from the groom and his parents but also from their immediate and distant family not forgetting the people who play mediators in the groom/bride finding process.

No wonder the birth of a girl in most parts of India is not a celebrated affair in comparison to a boy. Maybe the joy of wealth to come in the form of dowry in the distant future is enough to make the family happy or probably the relief of not to having to save for dowry which obviously increases with inflation.

Such is the plight of India. Putting a price tag on a groom (can be called commodity in this case) and relinquishing ownership of the purchase as well. Its also the root cause of female infanticide and dowry deaths. So lets stop blaming it on poor literacy rates.

Strangely with changing times, the concept of dowry has evolved rather than dying a natural death in a so called progressive society. With the younger generation also passively in favour of dowry, the vicious cycle never ends. But I am still hopeful.  Hopeful because I know of some who have and many more brave hearts who will step ahead and make a change, beginning with themselves.

Game Changer

Recently I received a message talking about a political leader with a non tolerant attitude towards religious conversions and how the entire Christian community should come together and not vote for the person in the coming elections.

It’s common to be bombarded with inputs using every media possible to influence your decision, to win your precious vote. But sit back, think, analyse, check whether these influences matter or your experience.

Picking from the SMS I have received, I could be labelled anti Christian but what has religion got to do with choosing right governance. Why can’t people be objective and leave religion, caste aside and use common sense.  I am an avid reader and have compared news current and back tracked. This person may be intolerant towards religious conversations (when God is one how does it matter if I am Hindu or Christian) but is growth oriented, futuristic in his approach - something which India as a country really needs. His claim to fame is the work he has already done. Other political parties started out with a venture to clean corruption and have done things that are contrary to what they stand for. Some others may have secularism as a shield but have ruled for long enough to be complacent, corrupt and have complete disregard to the needs of the common man. Only to wake up, pass a bill to keep people momentarily happy and siphon public money through more ingenious ways.

When a celebrity is forthcoming to bring forward information about people who stand for elections, their history of crimes and politics being more of a milking cow to accumulate assets and be in power, we are taken aback. Shouldn’t the people who claim to want to be in public office have a legacy of good public work done and at least have impeccable integrity to be held responsible for post of running the country. But have not we as the common people encouraged this kind of leadership.

Many who we haven’t heard off in the last five years will come knocking at your door, smiling, asking for your vote, committing growth and making unrealistic commitments, giving bribes in cash and kind. Each Indian today is a game changer. Our responsibility to the nations lies in us taking a well informed decision and choosing someone who makes positive change a reality and adds pride to us being Indian.

This Is It...

With a heavy heart I sit across the couch. A heart still aching, still mourning loss, still wondering if it could have been different if I could still stay the same. But I have a job to do and the lady on the recliner next to me dwells in thoughts, is lost to memories. I gently cough letting her know of my presence. She sits up and tries to compose herself. Obviously she is here because she needs help, because she prefers to listen to the advice of a so called specialist. But she knows her life better, has seen and experienced it firsthand. Then why does she need me. Can’t she think objectively and sort her own issues out. Is she confused whether to listen to her mind or sway in the direction her heart takes her? Why does she need to pay a complete stranger for hearing her out? My own job makes me look like an opportunist, feeding off the weakness of others, sneaking into people’s private lives and pretending to be a master solution provider. But it is my job and today I cannot escape it.  This woman looks pale, eyes red and moist; obviously she has cried herself to sleep a couple of nights. She seems to have been hurt, a feeling I identify with. I finally break the silence

Me : Hello Lisa. I am sorry to have kept you waiting.

Lisa : That’s okay.

Me : Tell me Lisa, what is it that is bothering you.

Lisa : (She breathes in…. and then forces out all that has built up within her) Me, I think I am not capable of keeping relationships. I feel I love too much, give too much but I do feel I need to be loved too. Is it wrong to expect the same love and care in return? Why is it that love changes? Why can’t both work towards keeping the relationship alive? Why is it that if I want to be part of his life, I am needy and insecure? I love to be pampered too, be on the receiving end of surprises, to be his one and only. Why am I to always be available and can never expect a soulful conversation? I don’t want fancy dinners or expensive gifts. Why is love all about the newness, the adventure and not about commitment and responsibility? (She breaks down)

(I am taken aback. The same question, the same war within that I have been battling. I feel like my voice is lost.  I want to let go and tell her that she is not alone. But I can’t. I am bound by a profession that doesn’t allow me to attach emotionally to my patient. But If I do, I will be stripped naked, be vulnerable, vulnerable to her judgement of me and whether I am capable of helping her. I try hide, to be rational. I look at her as an observer and help her through this phase. A phase – This is it.)

Me: Lisa, May I ask you a few questions?

(She looks up with a relief that her break down has allowed her a release to her feelings locked up deep inside her but she is probably pondering, wondering whether she came here for questions or for answers to her confused state. She nods but her body language shows resistance)

Me : When you loved, you loved selflessly. Then are you upset that the same was not returned to you in the way you wanted it? Why did you expect someone to love you when that someone has every right to decide about their lives and who they would like to be with? Why did you let go of yourself when the only person who can keep your life and happiness together is you? Remember the choice is always yours. When was the last time to spent time for you? Did something exciting? Engrossed yourself in your favourite book? Danced to music that touched your soul? Made time to head to your favourite getaway? Did things that truly make you happy? All you are feeling right now is passing phase. It is all temporary, the pain, the hurt, the loneliness. It will last only till you hold on. Let go. Let time do the healing.

(She is speechless. She has made her man her whole world. Nothing beyond him has room in her life anymore. She lost the person she was and yet her eyes shined like all was found. It seems a realisation has dawned, like all her questions no longer haunt her. The relationship she gave her life to ceased because she as a person ceased to exist. Her man loved her warmth but could never secure her with his love, shared his dreams but did nothing to help her fly, touched her body but never caressed her soul. She stands, walks to me and hugs me with a smile. As she walks out the door, she leaves me there to wonder if she was God sent. I found my answers in her questions. And in probing her I found myself.)

The Best Gift Ever

I have dreamed of a walk on a moonlit night

My feet leaving a trail on the sands

The waves rushing to kiss my toes

And the familiar warmth of your hands

I have dreamed of dancing to music

Every bit of me alive to love

Oblivious to the stares of the world

And the winks of the stars above

I have dreamed of an embrace so tender yet strong

The fire of a passionate kiss

The look of love shining in your eyes

A feeling of romantic bliss

I have dreamed of singing Annie’s song

A duet with only you

You read my mind, my heart, my soul

And made my dream come true.